i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
