apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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