I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
