dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
