He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
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Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
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I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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