He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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