just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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