I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
