She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
