I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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