So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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