She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
