I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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