I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
