I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
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