Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
