Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
