you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I didn't notice because vodka
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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