So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
