I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
