dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
