Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
