Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
