you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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