i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We were destined to go to rehab together
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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