I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
