Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
