just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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