The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
