Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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