She is in my trunk
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
