my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
