How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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