Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
