im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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