Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
