just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
