I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
