i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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