is your mom at the bar?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
