Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
