i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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