Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
