Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
