Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
