You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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