It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
