Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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