You smell like a Billy Joel song
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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