I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
