you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
