chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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