He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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