When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
