I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
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Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
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It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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