After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
