A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
