just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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