Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
