My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
