DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
